THE POPE IS DEAD

Dead!

Oh. That’s not the Pope? We just saw the thing on is head and assumed it was His Holiness. Did I mention that we are quite drunk?

Ah well. Apparently the Pope is alive and “Osama Bin Laden” is dead…whoever that is.

Good Night Popewatchers!!

Sexually Abuse Me, I’m Irish

Happy late St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Yes, that was totally last week, but we just got over our hangover. In honour of this wonderful drunken tradition, we’d like to fill you in on some of the crazier things going on in the Emerald Isle at the moment.

If you haven’t already heard, some overly-sensitive Irish Catholics have been going after the Vatican recently because of reports of decades of sexual abuse by priests and a massive cover up. Sounds like they’ve been drinking a little too much Guinness lately if you ask us.

Ireland's Sober-est Man

In response to these mounting criticisms, the Pope issued a Pastoral letter, apologizing to the people of Ireland. The full letter is reprinted unedited below:

Dear Irish:

I hope this letter reaches you early in the morning, so that you are not yet too drunk to read. I am writing this letter to say I’m sorry. On behalf of the Catholic Church, I am deeply sorry that some of my priests raped some of your sons. I am also sorry that you found out. Clearly, this looks good for no one. My priests look like pedophiles, and your sons look like homos. So that’s a bummer. I want to let you know that the Vatican did everything in its power to prevent this scandal from leaking. But as you know, there are just so many perverts in the Church, this was a nearly impossible task.

But here’s the deal. You’re still Catholic, and you still feel guilty about everything. You’re not going to stop going to Church, and you will always need us to keep you from spending eternity in Hell. So next time some of my priests expose themselves to some of your children, just shut the fuck up about it, okay?

Sincerely,

Pope Benedict XVI

You know, this reminds us of one of our very favourite jokes: Why Did the Irishman Cross the Road?

A: Because he was drunk and wanted to make up lies about the Vatican because he is a lonely, closeted bastard, and also he has a small penis.

So there you go. Let’s never speak of this again.

Come, ye children, hearken unto me: I will teach you the fear of the LORD. -Psalm 34:11

Pope Attack Update

It turns out that Christmas Eve’s attack by our mentally challenged barrier jumper was not her first. This crazy lady pulled the same stunt last year, and didn’t even bother to change her commie sweatshirt. One would think that someone so intent on taking our Holy Father down might want to train a bit better. Seriously, this was her second Pope attack, and she has only managed to bruise the ego of Benedict’s security team. (Maybe if she trains better, Nike could sponser her! Just imagine that Nike logo all over CNN. Think of the oppurtunities, Nike!)

At eighty-two (or however old this dinosaur is), Benedict can barely walk. Knocking a normal man over would likely break both his hips, but not our Holy Father. So we’re gonna go ahead and count this as a miracle worthy of sainthood. All hail Saint Benedict!!

POPE ASSAULTED

Breaking News: the Pope has been attacked by a crazy woman!

It has been a  very sad Christmas Eve, Pope Watch readers. Apparently, an insane woman has jumped over the barriers at St. Peter’s Basilica, and knocked the Pope over. Reports confirm that the women is indeed mentally retarded. Police at the scene have described her as a, “crazy freak bitch.”

The stupid woman, who will now be referred to herein as “Hillary Clinton,” apparently does not believe in the almighty-ness of of holy father, and wanted to get rid of him. Clearly “Hillary Clinton” is also a bat-shit insane, left-wing drugged out hippie, who most likely wants to kill all unborn children. And her red sweatshirt seems to indicate that she is probably a commie. As good Catholics, we of course must find it within ourselves to forgive “Hillary Clinton.” We sincerely hope that she can find the help that she so desperately needs. In prison.

Our beloved Holy Father was reportedly not amused at the incident, and we can only assume he will be using his magical religious powers to place a curse on “Hillary Clinton.” On a more positive note, the assassination attempt has totally upped Benedict’s badass factor.

After the attack, the old man in white robes had much difficulty getting up and was having trouble breathing throughout the mass. We are getting word that Benedict is not (yet) dead, but we will be sure to let you know when we learn more. Artemis and I are incredibly worried on this joyous Christmas morning, and hope that our beloved Benedict does not “bite the dust” today, as we will be participating in our traditional Christmas activity of getting blackout drunk by ten o’clock mass.

Merry Christmas to you all, and I hope Santa will be as kind to you as he has been to us in the past years. (Don’t tell Artemis, but I have finally bought him that flesh-light, he has been asking for!!!)

-Constance

We’ve Made a Huge Mistake

Whoops. Cancel the Vatican Inquiry, rescind the tabloid reports and call off your suicide pacts. We might have made a mistake. His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI did not, repeat did NOT, have sexual relations with golf legend Eldrick “Tiger” Woods.

No sex for Pope and Tiger.

In our defense though, it was a super easy mistake to make. For one, recent surveys have suggested that Tiger has boned nearly half of the worlds population. So the odds were pretty even. Also, and perhaps more importantly, one of our loyal readers sent us this picture:

Looked legit to us. Except for the breasts.

We, of course, were convinced of its veracity and proceeded to take steps to inform the world. This morning, however, we recieved word from our correspondent in the CIA (or Constance’s mom or whatever) that the photo was a forgery. According to her, the picture, “doesn’t even look real…are you f*cking kidding me?…(censored)…it looks like a two year old kid photo-shopped it…a drunken retarded baby could do a better job…(censored)…please don’t ever waste my time again.” Again, we’re terribly sorry.

Reached for comment, the infallible Pope Benedict XVI was quoted as saying of the incident:

“Tiger Woods? The guy who hits balls into holes from long distances? Jesus Christ! I could do better than that dark-skinned, slanty-eyed, horny mutt.”

Apocalypse, How?

This past weekend my wife and I went to the local theatre to catch a picture show. The two of us hadn’t been out to see one of these since “The Passion of the Christ” came out a few years ago. But this show looked promising. It was called “2012,” and we thought that it was a documentary about the apocalypse. My goodness we were wrong. Far from being an accurate representation of the end of the world, this terrible film tried to introduce “scientific” concepts. First of all, let`s get some things straight. When the rapture does occur, it`s going to have nothing to do with geology, astronomy, climatology, or any other crackpot pseudoscience. It`s all gonna be done by GOD. God, with the fire and the brimstone, and the plagues, and the famines, and the floods. God. This is just another example of liberal Hollywood types blatantly ignoring hard facts.

An accurate representation of the end of the World.

Now, in fairness, the movie wasn’t all bad. Los Angeles sank into the sea (been a long time coming), the den of sin Las Vegas was decimated, and over six billion people were killed (good when you consider that most of them were Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus or some other type of Godless heathen). But there was one scene in particular that was simply outrageous. It was so offensive, repulsive and shocking that my wife and I had no choice but to leave the theatre. I can`t even bring myself to describe this vile and shameful scene, so I have decided to let you see for yourself (for those with weak stomachs, look away):

First of all, we`d like to assure you all that the Vatican is still standing and the Pope is still alive. That scene must have been accomplished by some devilish trick by the disgraceful creators of this garbage. And we’ll admit, seeing the President getting smacked in the face with an aircraft carrier is pretty cool. Still though, how dare those bastards in Hollywood show the destruction of the Vatican! Never before have my wife and I been so offended and disgusted. We urge all of you to steer clear of this despicable and sickening film. That being said, however, the scene did start off with the painting on the roof the Sistine Chapel crumbling down. We’ve been advocating covering that monstrosity up ever since it became abundantly clear that Michelangelo was a homo.

This trashy homo-erotic imagery has no place in the Vatican. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

It was clear to my wife and I that this film was trying to make an anti-Catholic statement, so I decided to do some serious, deep-digging research. A Wikipedia search later, I had my answer. The director of this monstrosity, Roland Emmerich, is an openly gay Jew. Surprise! He is undoubtedly part of an anti-Catholic liberal conspiratorial agenda. We here at PopeWatch would like to be the first to demand that Mr. Emmerich give an apology to the Vatican, and to millions of God-fearing straight Christians around the world.

While not actually him, this is a pretty good representation of what Roland Emmerich probably looks like. We're waiting for our apology, sir.

Here`s to waiting for the Rapture, when the people who make this Godless shit get forever left behind!

God Bless!

It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife.

-Proverbs 21:19

Pope v. AIDS.

Today is World AIDS day, the last real holiday before Christmas! (Hanukkah doesn’t count).

Happy World AIDS Day, Everybody!

World AIDS day originated in the 1980’s as a way to celebrate an end to the “gay problem.” That didn’t work out so well, and now we use it as a way to seem compassionate towards people we don’t really like (such as gays, Africans, and gay Africans), even though we don’t give a shit about them the other 364 days of the year. Pope Benedict XVI has therefore given a sermon about combating this life threatening disease (we think its life threatening anyways, but Magic Johnson seems to feel differently). As always, he advocated abstinence and committing oneself to only one partner. Ever. That’s great and everything, but we here at PopeWatch are pretty sure that this doesn’t address the real issue. There is only one way to effectively combat AIDS, and everyone knows it: condoms.

My wife and I can't tell you from experience, but this is what a condom looks like.

Condoms must be banned, their production halted and their use criminalized. Look at the facts: unprotected sex has existed since the beginning of time, but condoms only became popular in the 20th century. The exact same century that HIV and AIDS became popular!! Coincidence? Of course not. Condoms are undeniably the root cause of AIDS. Get rid of condoms, get rid of AIDS.  The sooner people wake up and realize this, the sooner we can all stop pretending to care about some weird disease in Africa once a day every year. And that way, everybody wins.

With AIDS out of the way, we can start addressing important things. Like curbing the burgeoning number of worldwide hippopotamus-related fatalities.

On a related note, we would like to firmly advocate that the Pope preach about this topic only at a safe distance. Please join us in praying that the Holy Father does not take to consoling AIDS victims in person.  While HIV originates from condom use, it can also become airborne. And even though the Pope is a straight white male, he could still catch the disease. Nah, just kidding.

Well, maybe a medical mask. Just to be safe.

And in other news, the pope recently met with a German-Jewish holocaust survivor. Awkward.

A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.

-Proverbs 27:15-16

Forbes: A Bunch of Lying Liars

Forbes magazine published this week its rankings of the world’s most powerful people for 2009*. Its choices showed just how wildly out of touch the magazine is with reality. It is an undisputable fact that Pope Benedict XVI is by far the most powerful, important, influential and infallible man in the world. But in the Forbes rankings the Holy Father, God’s representative on Earth, placed 11th. Ahead of him was one Chinese guy, one Saudi guy, one Mexican billionaire, one Australian billionaire, the founders of Google, the CEO of Wal-Mart, the greatest Russian that has ever lived and Bill Gates (nerd!). Oh, also the list was topped by a Kenyan man who loves abortions, gays, Allah and Karl Marx.

B. Hussein Obama, the "President" of America. #1 on Forbes' list.

Vladimir Putin. The only other person who deserves to be on this list. At #3.

Happily, Benedict did place one spot above Silvio Berlusconi (incredible he even made the list considering he has difficulty keeping control of his own penis), and way above that hack the “Dalai Lama,” but the list was otherwise absolutely insulting! Vladimir Putin is pretty fucking awesome, we’ll agree with that. Everyone else above the Pope, however, had zero right to be there. Does Barack Obama have a conversation with God and Jesus every single day? Um, no! Does Rupert Murdoch get to ride around in an invincible armored car like the Popemobile? I don’t fucking think so. That Saudi dude doesn’t even believe in Jesus, let alone hold ultimate power over almost a billion believers. And Hu Jintao? More like Who Jintao, am I right?? These people are jokes.

Well, we’re not going to stand for it. That’s why here at Pope Watch we’ve decided to devise our own list of the world’s most powerful people. But unlike that pussy little magazine “Forbes,” we’re taking it one step further. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present: The 11 Most Powerful People in the History of the World.

1)      Jesus Christ

2)      Jesus Christ

3)      Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ!

Jesus takes up the top 3 spots in our ranking. We felt he deserved it. No explanation necessary really. If you don’t know why he’s at the top (three times) you’re almost definitely going to Hell anyways.

4)      Moses

Moses. File Photo.

Moses brought the Jews from Egypt to Israel, where they would one day betray the savior leading directly to his death and torture, which inadvertently saved humanity. Also, one time he parted the sea.

5)      St. Peter

Saint Peter. The greatest saint that ever lived. Also a founding member of 1960's folk rock group Peter, Paul and Mary.

Peter founded the Catholic Church, the greatest and most powerful organization the world has ever known.

6)      Adam

Adam, seen here with the world's first dumb blonde.

Back in Adam’s day there were only two people around. Which means that he automatically had control over 50% of the world’s population. And until his idiot of a wife ate some mushrooms and began talking to an imaginary snake (causing the rest of humanity throughout history to be drenched in sin), he pretty much held control over her too.

7)      Noah

Noah. Seen here with a rainbow. Before they were gay.

This one time God took a piss on the world and flooded the whole thing. But before he did he told Noah his plan. The idea was that Noah could save himself, his family, and all of the animals (except the cool ones like unicorns). So without Noah, whales would be ruling the planet right now. We think he was pretty important.

8)      Buddha

Buddha. Looking like a bit of a tranny.

So far everyone on this list has been a force for good in the world. But power can also be a source for great evil. That’s why Buddha’s here. It is because of his blasphemous teachings that a billion Chinese people are going straight to hell.

9)      Mohammed

Mohammed. File Photo.

The most evil man that ever lived. Mohammed was an infidel who got his brain fried from wandering around in the desert, and then thought he could talk to God. He created the largest force of evil in the world today.

10)  Vladimir Putin

Putin hunting people.

No explanation necessary.

11)  Pope Benedict XVI

Damn. Eleventh again. Oh well, that’s pretty good I guess. Maybe with a little more effort he can one day crack the top ten. Until then, God Bless!

*http://www.forbes.com/2009/11/11/worlds-most-powerful-leadership-power-09-people_land.html

Saint Watch:Saint Leo the Great

Alright here’s the deal. We here at Pope Watch haven’t been getting too many “page views” lately. As a result both Artemis and I have developed severe alcoholism. Thank you world. We’ve tried everything to get you to notice us: Twilight photos, adorable puppies, boobs–but nothing seems to be working. Well now we’re going to try something a little bit different. We know what you’re thinking. But, no. We’re not becoming a porn site. Not yet anyways.

As I’m sure you are all aware, almost every day of the year is given to a certain saint, so that we devout Catholics can celebrate them. Obviously some saints are much more popular to celebrate than others: everyone feels sick from eating the candy that they got the day before on All Saint’s day, everyone gets wasted on St. Patrick’s day and everyone desperately attempts to get laid on St. Valentine’s day. Many saints, however, are simply forgotten. We here at Pope Watch know how those unsung saints feel. No one ever gives them any credit, or even deigns to look at their awesome, hilarious blogs. Well we’re going to give them the recognition they deserve! So welcome to our new feature: Saint Watch! Every day where we feel like the saint represented needs some extra exposure we’ll write about them. If the saint doesn’t have a day yet though, then obviously they don’t even deserve to be a saint, and therefore we shouldn’t celebrate them, and we won’t.

A traditional outfit worn on All Saint's Day.

Today, November 10, is dedicated to St. Leo the Great. You know that he must be an amazing saint, because his name has the word “great” in it! St. Patrick doesn’t even get that, and he has the greatest day of the year assigned to him. Anyways, St. Leo was born in Tuscany sometime in the 400′s, and emigrated to Gaul (a manlier version of what we now call “France”) and then he somehow became Pope. This is all quite boring, until you find out that St. Leo single-handedly met Attila the Hun at the gates of Rome, and convinced him that conquering western Europe was like totally not worth it. Probably because it was filled with all those damned French people. Others say he simply bribed the guy into leaving. Which, we must admit, would not have been a very saint-like thing to do.

“Invade Western Europe?!? Seriously!? This place sucks balls. Although, I hear the Middle East is lovely this time of year. And the women there are super easy!”

St Leo the Great

Attila the Hun (in case you don’t think that St Leo is the already the most badass person ever) was one of the most brutal, barbaric killers to ever exist. He would force you two watch while he’d rape and brutally murder your entire family, before drinking all of their blood, and then he’d make you renounce God and bash your head in. Basically he was the most ferocious, merciless vampire to ever exist. He was Edward Cullen–if, you know, Edward wasn’t such a virgin pussy, who worried about hurting people and only ate animals. Seriously, Attila was the most impressive barbarian ever. After St Leo paid him off, he went home and murdered his brother, just for kicks. If you kept this asshole away from your continent, you’d deserve sainthood too.

THIS GUY managed to scare off the most ferocious person in "human" history

So dedicate a drink to St. Leo the Great tonight, because if he hadn’t existed, we’d still be in the dark ages.

God Bless!