Happy late St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Yes, that was totally last week, but we just got over our hangover. In honour of this wonderful drunken tradition, we’d like to fill you in on some of the crazier things going on in the Emerald Isle at the moment.
If you haven’t already heard, some overly-sensitive Irish Catholics have been going after the Vatican recently because of reports of decades of sexual abuse by priests and a massive cover up. Sounds like they’ve been drinking a little too much Guinness lately if you ask us.
Ireland's Sober-est Man
In response to these mounting criticisms, the Pope issued a Pastoral letter, apologizing to the people of Ireland. The full letter is reprinted unedited below:
Dear Irish:
I hope this letter reaches you early in the morning, so that you are not yet too drunk to read. I am writing this letter to say I’m sorry. On behalf of the Catholic Church, I am deeply sorry that some of my priests raped some of your sons. I am also sorry that you found out. Clearly, this looks good for no one. My priests look like pedophiles, and your sons look like homos. So that’s a bummer. I want to let you know that the Vatican did everything in its power to prevent this scandal from leaking. But as you know, there are just so many perverts in the Church, this was a nearly impossible task.
But here’s the deal. You’re still Catholic, and you still feel guilty about everything. You’re not going to stop going to Church, and you will always need us to keep you from spending eternity in Hell. So next time some of my priests expose themselves to some of your children, just shut the fuck up about it, okay?
Sincerely,
Pope Benedict XVI
You know, this reminds us of one of our very favourite jokes: Why Did the Irishman Cross the Road?
A: Because he was drunk and wanted to make up lies about the Vatican because he is a lonely, closeted bastard, and also he has a small penis.
So there you go. Let’s never speak of this again.
Come, ye children, hearken unto me: I will teach you the fear of the LORD. -Psalm 34:11
